Nayyirah Waheed (via thunderpopcola)
i love this with my whole heart
it’s just that school is out now so i never get to see anyone because i live 45 minutes away and we have one car and Mom is difficult and i miss everybody so much and i’ve been housesitting for a week and so i’m alone all the time and it’s only been three weeks since school let out and even when i stop housesitting on monday i’ll still be 45 minutes away with no car and i’m sad and i knew this would be bad, i said it all year, i said “i need to live in long beach this summer because i can’t go back to redondo for three whole months, it’ll be bad” and it is; it’s not as terrible as it used to be because i’m better than i used to be and i know it will end, but i’m anxious about that because i still haven’t found a job and i don’t know if i’m going to be able to pay for an apartment because my parents won’t be able to contribute anything and it scares the shit out of me, but i’m not going to think about that too much right now, i’ll just do what i can for now. but just overall i’m lonely and there’s a perpetual feeling in my overall life of things not happening fast enough so that’s INSANE right now, because i really really really love being surrounded by people and i want to DO THINGS and make things and try things, i love constant motion and fluidity and colors and light and music and love and none of that is happening right now and it’s driving me crazy; AND THEN there’s the whole problem of how uncontrollably attractive you are, still, like that’s never going to not be a problem, because it’s two things, 1) it’s pretty clear you’re always going to be uncontrollably attractive to me, 2) we’re never going to actually work, because you’re not going to get to a place over the next year where you’re going to actively consistently seriously choose me, but you’re also never going to actually let me go, because we are both very very very attracted to each other and we both genuinely like and care about each other, SO WHAT I’M SAYING IS I DIDN’T KNOW SITUATIONS COULD BE THIS STUPID AND FUCKED UP, and i’m finally understanding that that’s just how it is and there’s no way to think my way out of it, and i know you’re never going to end it because you like me too much but am i ever going to end it? i don’t know, i seriously actually don’t know. I JUST WANT THINGS TO BE GOOD. why can’t you pick one or the other, why can’t you just say either yes or no (and the WORST PART IS THAT I KNOW SOME PART OF ME SORT OF LIKES THIS, in a WEIRD DUMB ROMANTIC WAY, because it makes me feel grown up??? or something??? it’s stupid and i hate it but i can’t help but think that’s true, and that’s why it’s still like this) — because every time you engage, every time you work hard to bring my attention back to you when i’m ignoring you, every time you look at me like that, i feel the universe.being a person
hey folks. I made a blog a couple days ago as a place for me to vomit writing out. would you like to read it? maybe you would! I mean, if you’re following this little blog you probably are a person who would consider it, anyway. it’s called colleenwrotethis.tumblr.com. I’m going to toss my metaphorical cookies up onto there every now and then, I think. I don’t know how long this will last, but it exists now.
in case you missed it!i really like writing
hey folks. I made a blog a couple days ago as a place for me to vomit writing out. would you like to read it? maybe you would! I mean, if you’re following this little blog you probably are a person who would consider it, anyway. it’s called colleenwrotethis.tumblr.com. I’m going to toss my metaphorical cookies up onto there every now and then, I think. I don’t know how long this will last, but it exists now.i love you just thought you might like it
it’s been a long time. I am here for a moment because I wrote a song today and I’m going to post it! this one was prompted by many things, but especially because there was an open mic last night and at the very end, my friend Tyler (with all of us gathered around on the covered patio as it rained) sang a song (with Fred on guitar) that he (who is probably the least “pretentious” person I’ve ever met) prefaced with “This one hurts. I have a theory about theatre and art, that it should be ugly. That the most beautiful things in life are the ugly ones. So I’m going to get ugly here, and I might not look at you, and I might cry.” and it was amazing.
so when I woke up this morning and knew I had to write a song, I knew I had to get ugly.
so here it comes.